4 min 30 secs - 2019

You Ain’t Even My Daddy is a video compilation of performances that visualize the continuation of my journey of revisiting my childhood that is consumed in trauma. In my previous work I discussed my weak, almost nonexistent relationship with my father and the lack of his father figure influence on me. In this piece I am referencing my deep resentment over my mother’s ex-boyfriend who had been with her for 17 years, almost as long as I’ve existed. Because of how long they’ve been together, people in my life have always forced this narrative of him basically being like my father. That idea has and will always frustrate me because I only recognize one person as my father despite the relationship. If I wanted a father figure I’d only want it from my actual father, I never asked for anyone to step in and take that role.

The piece begins with two of the earliest moments of my relationship with my mother’s ex-boyfriend: the moment my father kidnapped me for a DNA test and the moment of awkwardly meeting my mother’s ex-boyfriend for the first time. The rest are depictions of routines I grew tired of by the time I was an early teenager.

My performance methods in this piece are still executed by effortlessly putting myself in a complete childlike state of mind as I consider myself to still be very much in tune with my inner child. The gestures reveal a sort of timid anger I had as a little girl navigating through these moments that could have possibly evolved into toxic behaviors I’ve carried over into my adulthood. To emphasize this childlike theme, the use of toys generally substitute for what the real version of each object is. For instance, a toy phone is symbolizing an old cell phone from my memory, a dollhouse symbolizes my actual house that I grew up and still live in. But the use of toys also reveal the only things my mother’s ex-boyfriend would do for me, buy me toys. This is important because at one point I would purposely take advantage of juicing his money for how angry he made me. Ideally, an innocent revenge. If revenge can ever be considered innocent. I think so.

The audio is my thoughts overlapping each other the way it literally happens in my mind. Here I mention the weight of identity always hanging over me, common phrases that people say about this man’s role in my life, songs that I can never listen to without associating this person, and interferences with my peace.

Tension and anger are predominantly the tones I aim to have stand out the most in this peace in comparison to my previous work on my father where it shared similar but less angry sentiments that included more dismay, curiosities and humor instead. It is intended to come off this way because it is how I feel about my mother’s ex-boyfriend, just empty besides anger and everlasting tensions whereas for my father, I at least have love for him. You Ain’t Even My Daddy is essentially the “darker” version of Daddy Issues.

raw audio.

The final chapter of confronting my childhood trauma is Ñaña. This video addresses the immense, never ending sibling conflict I have with my sister.

In Ecuador, one of the most affectionate terms you can use with someone if they’re actually your siblings or not is ñaño/a/e which means brother/sister in Quechua, the 2nd official language after Spanish. I chose this title to live as a contradiction to how I feel for her. I can give this affection to anyone but her. And the reason why we feel obligated to be close to each other is because we come from a culture where brother/sisterhood is important. So not only is the title a contradiction to our unaffectionate relationship, it gives my entire video an actual Ecuadorian body without having to include the culture through materials, words or audio like in my past work.

In Daddy Issues, I mention how I notice my father in my facial features more than ever. the opening scene in YAEMD is about DNA testing. In Ñaña, the opening scene is a face distortion. My sister and i look just like our father, with our mother’s smile. I continue thinking about resemblance, genetics and this idea of “good genes, bad genes” that biracial people tend to jump into for some type of comfort.

I think about the homophobia within Latin America and how it continued to influence my sister because the type of community my family immigrated to, which I was born and raised in. Hood homophobia. Being the only queer girl between your siblings, family and within most of my Jersey friends now. Femiteasin the Pigeon Toed is when you begin to hear the poems and monologues to my sister, younger me, and nieces and nephews that extend throughout the rest of the piece.

Large sibling age gaps , birth order and hand me downs are elements of sibling conflict 101. There are several characters in this work, as you can see mentioned in the title for this performance and in action in Femiteasin the Pigeon Toed, these scenes include The Walking Goodwill character. Other characters throughout the video are the Ñaña Muncha and several versions of the Tia.

The women in my mother’s family have always been my biggest inspirations including my mom of course. The first thing I’ve ever recognized as beauty was long, vibrant nails on the hands of black women. The first time I’ve felt God was by seeing the spiritual practices by these women. The more babies my sisters pop, the more I notice myself fulfilling the roles of my aunts for my nieces and nephews. Being an aunt is one of the most cherished roles I hold in my life, my sister’s womb gave me access to that. Where R My Babies is a glimpse at the Traditional Tia. Tia means aunt in Spanish.

Im interested in the way skin tone can change how two people with nearly the same face navigate and are perceived in America. With green screen and humor, I use my sister’s association with the US Military to touch on how this branch of the government that has a long record of abusing people of color, immigrants, and the lgbtq community, has brainwashed her and violently affected our bond.

In Sex Ed Up Innis Hoe, y’all meet Depressed Tia. She has elements of the traditional Tia but more of a “modern” way that I present myself to my nieces and nephews visually and verbally (without the cursing and sex talk). But she’s furiously depressed. In a sex ed monologue to my nieces and nephews I aggressively remind them what their mothers taught me that I had to take lightly. Then I aggressively warn them what’s wrong with all of that while lightly, affectionately letting them know what sex really is about.

Who them? Can’t say but I hope he dies 1 day in 7 days.

I felt all of us there.

The machista monster broke my door in cause I stay locking myself out. But it’s not my fault...?

The weight of emeralds on the trapezius muscle. I thought I’d never see us again. Or I miss us every time. We strong.

I hope mami-saw-me pick-up-the-pace.